Right then. Let’s put a price tag on being nice to each other.
A public service announcement from the future, brought to you by the free market’s solution to the fact that people online are exhausting.
Tired of being called a slur by someone whose profile picture is a cartoon frog? Sick of arguing about vaccines with a bot from a troll farm three time zones away? Good news. Civility is no longer a public good, it’s a subscription tier. Below, please find the plan that best suits your budget and your tolerance for being screamed at by strangers.
🆓 THE MUD TIER — Free Forever
Everything you already know and dread. Unlimited access to:
Comment sections where the top reply is always someone’s uncle
Algorithmically boosted outrage, sorted by “most likely to ruin your evening”
One (1) genuine, thoughtful conversation per 400 scrolls, if you’re lucky
A vague, ambient sense that everyone hates everyone else, permanently, forever
Ads for a mattress you looked at once in 2019
What our free users say: “I came here to see what my cousin’s up to and left three hours later convinced society is collapsing.” — Genuinely everyone
No credit card required. No dignity retained either, but that was never part of the deal.
💷 THE PARLOUR TIER — £9.99/month
Step through the velvet rope into a world where people respond to your points instead of your punctuation.
Access to a private Discord where disagreement is expressed in full sentences
A moderator who isn’t a seventeen-year-old power-tripping on his first taste of authority
Guaranteed minimum IQ of the room: somewhere north of “reply-all catastrophe”
Nuance. Actual, functioning nuance. Remember that?
Zero ads, because you are the product’s replacement, which is you, paying
Terms and conditions: Civility not guaranteed if you bring up the group chat’s one unresolved argument about sourdough hydration ratios. Some tensions transcend pricing tiers.
💎 THE SALON TIER — £29.99/month
For those who’d like their online discourse to resemble an actual dinner party rather than a bin fire with wifi.
Small, curated group chats, vetted for “will not ruin the vibe”
Access to thought leaders who occasionally reply to your messages, personally, like you’re a person
A shared understanding that everyone present has read at least one book cover to cover
Guest lectures, salons, the occasional group video call where nobody’s camera is pointed at their ceiling
The rare, precious sensation of being heard
Please note: this tier does not include access to reality. Reality remains, as ever, free, mandatory, and considerably worse than the brochure.
🏰 THE HILLTOP TIER — Price available on request
(This tier does not technically exist, but if it did, it would involve moving to a cave in rural Spain with several friends and abandoning the entire premise of the internet as a place where community is supposed to happen. Early results are promising. Wifi is patchy. So, refreshingly, is everyone’s need to be right about anything.)
FAQ
Q: Isn’t it a bit dystopian that basic human decency now has a monthly billing cycle?
A: We prefer the term “premium experience economy.” Our legal team insists on this framing. Please direct further concerns to the Mud Tier, where they will be ignored for free.
Q: What happened to the idea that conversation should just be... available? To everyone?
A: That idea is currently being stored in the same warehouse as “the town square,” “the local paper,” and “trusting your neighbour,” right next to a box labelled 20th Century, Miscellaneous. We’re not sure when, or if, it’s coming back. Please check back never.
Q: Can I downgrade?
A: Technically yes. Practically, once you’ve tasted a conversation that doesn’t end in someone typing “do your research,” going back is a bit like moving out of a flat with central heating and into one with none. Possible. Unwise. Character-building, allegedly.
Civility™ is not a real product. It just increasingly feels like one. Terms, conditions, and the entire architecture of modern discourse subject to change without notice, consultation, or anyone actually asking you what you thought about any of it.
If this landed somewhere with you, share it with someone who’s been quietly wondering why their favourite writer seems harder to find than they used to be. They probably need to read this.
